Naomi (demeanour) wrote,

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Guess it's clear he's gone...

Im ready to confess all the things that I never thought I could feel

Ive listened to that line so much the last day. Theres no point confessing though, he doesnt want to know. It would trouble him to know so Ill keep my counsel. Tell no one. Cept Im torn between trying to shake the dust off my shoes and sitting down in the middle of the road, on the river path, anywhere I happen to be. And as I rest my head and hug my knees to my chest, letting the tears fall slowly, silently.

Round midnight he said to me, naomi, hello and goodnight, xx. Ah, my love may be more precious than rubies but it could be sawdust for all hes concerned. I remember sitting before him one afternoon and him tapping the side of my head and saying, I want to know whats going on in here, I want to know what makes you tick. Hmmmhe didnt delve very far. He told me once, You underestimate me. I dont think so. I think I understand too well.

Poignant, self-pitying, sublime are the tears Ive shed. Im going around in circles. I feel lost in a never-ending maze. When Ive walked before its been easy. Yes, theres been a twinge, a sad acknowledgement of what might have been, but this time Im finding it so hard. I want to cling so much to this hope, yet I know I have to let go, to move on. I want it to snow, a blanket thrown over my world muffling the sound of me breaking. Instead November skies are grey, sodden decaying leaves cover the paths and I want to turn back to that evening in September as the sun dipped in the sky, the air faintly chilly. I can still see that amazing smile light up his face as he recognized me.

Someone read something Id written earlier and said to me, A thought of my shores would be an excellent start. I asked him why hed said hello. He told me. I remember sunlit mornings when he made me smile, soft laughter and tender words that kissed my heart, then said, its a lovely line. I told him that when first I moved to London last year I used to avoid looking at the tube map. I hated seeing where we'd first met so publicly emblazoned on trains and walls everywhere.

Funny, but if I thought the pain of Gareth telling me he loved Petra more than me was bad, its nothing compared to how I feel about walking away from him.

I dont want to go.
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