Naomi (demeanour) wrote,
Naomi
demeanour

You Don't Know Me...

...if you did, you would know how I love you...

so sang Carole Bayer Sager a long long time ago. Not that I'm listening to her, I was just reminded for a moment when I thought do I put an update of sorts on here. I't's been a Rufus Wainwright evening here because as much as I love listening to O, I really don't think I'd have been able to skip past the Blower's Daughter and had I listened to it lord knows what I'd have done. Hmmm...that sounds just a tad melodramatic, but it's been a funny kind of day today. I was walking along this lunchtime and so many memories washed over me. The past is another country, right? Unfortunately, it's too much in my present and it better not be in my future. Time is a funny thing, linear, planar or just plain ticking on on the hands of a watch or watching the hands of time. Sighs. I'd better stop this nonsense or I'll start fooling around with words all night. Still, at least mine aren't aimed to confuse and bewilder.

A lot has happened since I last wrote. I'm not going to share much of it right now, maybe never will do because some of it is just too painful and horrible to put down.

I'm on my own. Again. I won't say I'm through with love. I'm through with him. And the lies, and destruction and the cruel mindgames. I've made a move of sorts and am moving on but so much is unsaid, unresolved, unfinished. I'd like to stamp my feet and the dust off my boots (grins, 'cept the boots are in storage, like so many of my things) and not look back. He told me he still loved me and wanted to marry me. That was a couple of hours after he'd been screaming at me. I was trying to pack. He said I was rejecting him. I thought I'd made that clear when I said I didn't want to live with him anymore, that no matter how much Iloved him we were not working. I didn't trust him. How could I after he'd told so many lies and the biggest one of all he'd perpetuated for over a year and a half. Even then he only told me part of the truth. He refused to accept that I'd moved on a false premise. I can handle the truth. Lies, they are far more damaging. I told him I couldn't forgive him. I don't know if I ever will.

Stolen time. Ah, well I'm alive and living again, everything seems a little strange. Dad said it's time to get some reality back...it certainly takes time getting used to it. Time to climb up to bed now.
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