Naomi (demeanour) wrote,

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Sometimes I think...

...I'm turning into my mother! Ha! I know it's not true, but I was lying in bed earlier and random thoughts were passing through my mind. Like a comment I remember her saying, “Well, you’ve a funny way of showing it” which could refer to all kinds of things. Hmmm…now I can’t quite remember how that popped into my head, but it did. Thankfully, I’m not turning into my mum, my dad or anyone else. I’m just me, same ol’ me.

I suppose I should give the edited highlights and lowlights of the past few months. Christmas. New Year. Not the best I care to remember. I never did get to see Anything Goes as Chris was having an op early January on the very day I was meant to be down in London. Still, my godmother, my favourite auntie Jean went in my place. She loved it and wandering around Chinatown and everything else. I got a CD of the cast recording which was lovely. In February I attempted my driving test for the first time and failed. In March it was another year older but I definitely don’t know about wiser. Chris bought me some lovely presents, as did my folks and Eddie; mostly Bagpuss related which was fun. And a new watch which I can actually wear without my skin freaking out which is useful. Ok! So it’s lovely and a whole lot else.

Come the end of March I had my second attempt at the driving test. I failed again. I was so pissed off because when I ‘phoned to rebook they said it’d be mid-June for the earliest test. Well, I wasn’t having that, so I spent the whole week ringing the DSA and eventually managed to get a test at the end of April. This time I passed! I did my Pass Plus course too and sure, the lower insurance costs is a nice benefit but I wanted some motorway driving with someone there – well with Jo, my instructor. All fine and dandy. A week later I was off down the A1 and M1 to Barnsley to get my hair cut. On the way back popped down a junction to see Trev for a coffee and a natter which was really cool – first time I’ve ever driven away from his house. Now he’s driven me away from there plenty of times - and no, not with a pitchfork – but me, driving! Huge smiles. I’ve not been out and about as much as I’d have liked though as predictably Chris said, the first time I was off out on my own, “O, I suppose that means I’ll never see you now…”. Typical! What makes it worse is he has gone off to Yeadon and gawd only knows elsewhere so many times and I’ve not moaned on and on and yet the slightest little “I’m just going out for a quick spin” seems to send him into panic mode. All immaterial at the moment as the car needs fixing – there’s something wrong with the gearbox and possibly oil we think – so it’s going in later this week. Thing is, it’s only done just over 5 thousand miles, is still under warranty so it’s all a bit puzzling, especially as it seems ok. Anyhow, it’ll get sorted.

Hmmm…as for the rest, well still not…still not…still not…well – there’s just so much unfinished. There are times when I put it all to the back of my mind and get on with living. There are times when I seem to be peeking in that little box and sighing and worrying and wondering and then think, “Sod it! Get on with things!” And sometimes I feel as if I’m living in a void. Maybe, I’m avoiding living. I can’t say I just exist, because it doesn’t feel like that but it feels like I’m living a half life, a twilight life.

Sometimes I try not to think much at all.
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