J doesn't talk anymore. He thinks I'm fooled by his platitudes that he's not around, but I know he is and I'm sure (green-eyed monster speaking here) that he's dallying with someone. I hope he treats her better than he did me. And I'm sure she's been there tonight.
I shouldn't be thinking like this. I should be more philosophical about it all, but right now I feel like kicking over the traces. I'm bloody annoyed, angry with myself. My dazzled eyes refused to see...
Sigh. Why didn't I listen to myself? Why, when I ran away from him for those few days did I run just as quickly back? Why didn't I just wait. If I had would we have made such a mess of everything? Of course, there's no point going over it ad nauseum. I did what I did and I guess I just learned the hard way. There's all these questions floating around in my head though, like does he ever wonder? Does he care at all? Ha! I'll bet he doesn't give it a moments notice. And yes, I know this sounds very bitter. I'm not. I'm just sad. Disillusioned. World weary. Sweet ennui, huh?
He thought he knew me very well. He only saw what he wanted to see and that tiny bit I'd allowed him to see. He said he wasn't interested (ok, not quite as bluntly as that - but it all adds up the same) so that was all he was ever going to see. Know me...I don't think so. If he did, he would've known how much I looked forward to talking with him, seeing him smile, hearing that quiet laugh of his.
I'm rambling. I don't care. This may not be purple prose but it's how I feel. A jumbled mess of raw tangled nerves. Exposed and yet unseen. Forgotten.